i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
