U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
