Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
