Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
