I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
