My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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