quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
