Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
