Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
