The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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