I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
