I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
