if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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