Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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