I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
