GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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