I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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