I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
