Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This is my gift to your gina
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
