I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
