i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
