You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
