Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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