my shit smells like andre
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
