I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
