I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
