3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
