Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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