I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
