Don't make out with my wife yet
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
