I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
