we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
