They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
