go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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