You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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