I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
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That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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