i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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