Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
