I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
