I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
