Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My life is pants optional.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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