tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
