Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
