i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
