Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You ruined the universe
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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