I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
