tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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