She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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