so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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