i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
