but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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