Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
bring money and cleavage
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
