I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
