I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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