My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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