We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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