so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
