peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
