you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
where are you?
Hypothermia
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
