Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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